Dear Pope,

I confess that I am bored of my current fermentation selections, it has seemed that I have sampled all that is fermented and have lost the gusto to seek that super duper fermented stupor for which I seek, tho the current fermentations have been kind to me as the bud, from the weeded meadows, I am lacking that true spirtual unsobering connection to cloud nine-hundred-sixy-nine. I fear that I will have to drink of the valerian soon in hopes to quench my thirst of this mediocrity....

Alas my soul seeks that one red whining sip of suppleness and friendly popepartyness of the full moonlight of thine chalice.

Yasa!

My Dear Child,

I have received your confession with great understanding in My liver. I am happy to hear that you are simply frustrated with the tastes about you and, reaching that glorious abode "THE STUPOUR", then of deep depression which The evil Sobriety is wrecking everywhere.

Now is a very fortuitous time for we are reaching THE OCTOBERFEST. Delicious light ale-like beers shall be appearing soon with their beautiful rich autumn colours. In your neck of the woods I believe the fruitful efforts of Anchor Steam Co. are legendary. However for you my dear Yasa I would suggest a delicious Bavarian Brews, perhaps a Tucher. Domestic micro-brews are delicious, however I feel strongly you must experience beers from lands over seas and nearer! Now that it is autumn you would benefit from drinking Ports and hot wiskies. My personal favorite is Hot port and whisky! You'd be surprised how much some liquors go well with The BUD. Drink beers with higher fermentation content. Have a sturdy Stout with a shot of Bushmills Irish wisky.

Well my dear Yasa I wish you great luck and BLESSINGs IN THE FERMENTATION!

In the name of The Bud, The Water and The FERMENTATION Yours in the STUPOUR,

YOUR POPE

Ah but yes!

The OctoberFEST! YES! thank you for reminding me, for the cuddle up brews and hot totties are my favorite delights. I think it may be time for my hot cider and hot brandy I love it next to the fire light. Thank you for steering me toward new yet familiar reality. It will soon be tis the season, do you recommend a brew for SAMHAIN my pope? I will try the warm Ports and hot wiskies, yuummmmmmeee! (slurp!) Hmmm Bushmills Irish wisky? Sounds very inviting, BUD will enhance this mysterious treat I do believe. I understand!

Yasa!

Dear Pope,

Your words make sense to me and my DRINKtstict is to obey. And yet, there is this ALEment which I BEER and is worthy of notice:

Despite my STOUT and hardy nature, I PALE each day at the thought of working for a living. Evil thoughts BREW within me. My HOPS have been dashed. I can BARLEY make it through a day. I wish someone would WHISKEY me away to a more peaceful place. Maybe I'll just quit my job and become a LAGER!

Sorry to WINE. You are a good BUD.

SINcerely,

Sister Dottie of the Pilsners

Sister Dottie,

It has come to your POPE's attention that you have been in Babylon for awhile. REPENT REPENT dear before its to late. Wash away your sins in the deep and clensing water of the Drinktism!!!

YOUR POPE

My Dear Pope,

Sobriety has taken hold of me. I am afraid. I need your help. Poeple are telling me the FERMENTATION is evil and strange men come to my door and try give me prohibition literature. I want to drink, dear POPE, but I cannot release my anal retentive ways. I feel that images of others are ruling me.

Please help me.

Lost In South Boston

My Child,

Your problem is not new to me and fills me with great compassion. First you must reach deep into yourself and ask the FUNdaMENTAL question, "Why am I not drinking? Why have I forsaken The BUD The Water and the FERMENTATION? WHAT? penance must I take upon myself to free me?". These questions are important my Child, for the evil of Sobriety is EVERYWHERE. It lurks behind every facade, every face and every action. It luks in those you EVEN consider your dearest and trusted ones. The EVIL that is Sobriety attempts to dehumanise us and squash our creative natures. Its Insidious hold is elusive and purely shadow-like. Hold Fast! and thank the FERMENTATION for establishing a HOLY CHURCH to combat such clap trap. You are in the GRIPS of the evil that is SOBRIETY!

RELEASE!!!!!!! RELEASE!!!! RELEASE!!!! GET thee away from SOBRIETY!!

Be thankfull and embrace the STUpour!!!! Your Penance is to drink a six pack that wasn't bought by yourself. The FERMENTATION will flow down upon your weary brow and refresh you. LOOK for the sign! One will come to you and introduce you to a new and exciting drink - this person will be MY messenger and through the POWER of the BUD, the WATER, and the FEMENTATION YOU will find freedom.

IN THE FERMENTATION

YOUR POPE

Send YOUR confessions to the_pope@whatmagazine.org